1. Be on the Same Team
During conflict situations do you believe you have all the positive qualities and your partner has only a few or lots of negative traits? Join the club! This is typical thinking.
A work around this is to assume similarity. This keeps the ‘Story of Us’ focused on we-ness not me-ness.
The How of We-ness in Conflict
When you give your partner a negative quality in your thoughts, try to see that same quality in yourself. And when you identify a positive quality in yourself, try to see that same quality in your partner.
2. Stop if You’re Flooded
Couples can only have a constructive conflict conversation if they can manage their own physiological flooding (the sensation of feeling psychologically and physically overwhelmed). At its peak, flooding can cause couples to verbally attack each other. Any conversation you have while being flooded will be useless, if not damaging. Regrettable words will be said and partners will put up walls as they defend themselves against one another.
The How of dealing with flooding
A 20 to 30 minute break can really help you calm yourself down. During that time, do things that help you relax like taking a walk or listening to your favorite music.
3. Focus on a Long-term mutually Fair Solution
If your partner feels unheard, it is unlikely they will be motivated to open up and hear your side of the story. Trying to persuade your partner to compromise before both of you have stated your position will lead to resentment and an unfair solution. If your partner does not feel understood and accepts your persuasion, over time they may resent you or undermine the solution you set. It is only when both partners feel understood by each other that you can begin to work together to find a compromise.
The How of Compromise and Lasting Solutions
Slow down, take time to understand each other’s feelings, perspectives and needs. Postpone persuasion tactics which are focused on a short-term win.
4. Express Your Needs
it’s your responsibility to express your needs in a way that your partner can do something about that will be successful for you. The trap most people fall into is only expressing how they want to feel: “I want to feel more loved.”
The problem is that it gives your partner no clue how to help you feel that way.
The How of Helping Your Partner Understand Your Needs In Order to Fulfill Them Successfully.
A better way to ask for more love is, “I need a romantic date night once a week and an overnight to a bed and breakfast every two months.” Be as specific as you can!
5. Believe Both Points of View are Valid
There are always two points of view, and they are both valid. This is an essential central assumption for any couple or any relationship with more two people.
Once you accept that idea, it’s no longer necessary to argue for your own position. Now you can focus on understanding and validating your partner’s position.
Note: Validation and understanding are not the same as compliance or agreement.
Based on Gottman Institute Article